30 Man's Search
for Meaning
rivals. The medical men among us learned first of all:
"Textbooks tell lies!" Somewhere it is said that man cannot
exist without sleep for more than a stated number of hours.
Quite wrongl I had been convinced that there were certain
things I just could not do: I could not sleep without this or
I could not live with that or the other. The first night in
Auschwitz we slept in beds which were constructed in tiers.
On each tier (measuring about six-and-a-half to eight feet)
slept nine men, directly on the boards. Two blankets were
shared by each nine men. We could, of course, lie only on
our sides, crowded and huddled against each other, which
had some advantages because of the bitter cold. Though it
was forbidden to take shoes up to the bunks, some people
did use them secretly as pillows in spite of the fact that they
were caked with mud. Otherwise one's head had to rest on
the crook of an almost dislocated arm. And yet sleep came
and brought oblivion and relief from pain for a few hours.
I would like to mention a few similar surprises on how
much we could endure: we were unable to clean our teeth,
and yet, in spite of that and a severe vitamin deficiency,
we had healthier gums than ever before. We had to wear
the same shirts for half a year, until they had lost all ap
pearance of being shirts. For days we were unable to wash,
even partially, because of frozen water-pipes, and yet the
sores and abrasions on hands which were dirty from work in
the soil did not suppurate (that is, unless there was frost
bite). Or for instance, a light sleeper, who used to be dis
turbed by the slightest noise in the next room, now found
himself lying pressed against a comrade who snored loudly
a few inches from his ear and yet slept quite soundly
through the noise.
If someone now asked of us the truth of Dostoevski's
statement that flatly defines man as a being who can get
used to anything, we would reply, "Yes, a man can get used
to anything, but do not ask us how." But our psychological
Experiences in a Concentration Camp 31
investigations have not taken us that far yet; neither had
we prisoners reached that point. We were still in the first
phase of our psychological reactions.
The thought of suicide was entertained by nearly every
one, if only for a brief time. It was born of the hopelessness
of the situation, the constant danger of death looming over
us daily and hourly, and the closeness of the deaths suffered
by many of the others. From personal convictions which
will be mentioned later, I made myself a firm promise, on
my first evening in camp, that I would not "run into the
wire." This was a phrase used in camp to describe the most
popular method of suicide—touching the electrically
charged barbed-wire fence. It was not entirely difficult for
me to make this decision. There was little point in commit
ting suicide, since, for the average inmate, life expectation,
calculating objectively and counting all likely chances, was
very poor. He could not with any assurance expect to be
among the small percentage of men who survived all the
selections. The prisoner of Auschwitz, in the first phase of
shock, did not fear death. Even the gas chambers lost their
horrors for him after the first few days—after all, they
spared him the act of committing suicide.
Friends whom I have met later have told me that I was
not one of those whom the shock of admission greatly de
pressed. I only smiled, and quite sincerely, when the follow
ing episode occurred the morning after our first night in
Auschwitz. In spite of strict orders not to leave our
"blocks," a colleague of mine, who had arrived in Auschwitz
several weeks previously, smuggled himself into our hut.
He wanted to calm and comfort us and tell us a few things.
He had become so thin that at first we did not recognize
him. With a show of good humor and a Devil-may-care
attitude he gave us a few hurried tips: "Don't be afraid!
Don't fear
the selections! Dr. M
(the SS medical chief) has a soft
spot for doctors." (This was wrong; my friend's kindly
32 Man's Search for Meaning
Experiences in a Concentration Camp
words were misleading. One prisoner, the
doctor of a block, of huts and a man of some
sixty years, told me how he had
entreated Dr. M
to let off his son, who
was destined for
gas. Dr. M
coldly refused.)
"But one thing I beg of you"; he continued,
"shave daily, if at all possible, even if you
have to use a piece of glass to do it . . . even
if you have to give your last piece of bread
for it. You will look younger and the
scraping will make your cheeks look
ruddier. If you want to stay alive, there is
only one way: look fit for work. If you even
limp, because, let us say, you have a small
blister on your heel, and an SS man spots
this, he will wave you aside and the next day
you are sure to be gassed. Do you know what
we mean by a 'Moslem'? A man who looks
miserable, down and out, sick and emaciated,
and who cannot manage hard physical labor
any longer . . . that is a 'Moslem.' Sooner or
later, usually sooner, every 'Moslem' goes to
the gas chambers. Therefore, remember:
shave, stand and walk smartly; then you
need not be afraid of gas. All of you
standing here, even if you have only been
here twenty-four hours, you need not fear
gas, except perhaps you." And then he
pointed to me and said, "I hope you don't
mind my telling you frankly." To the others
he repeated, "Of all of you he is the only one
who must fear the next selection. So, don't
worry!"
And I smiled. I am now convinced that
anyone in my place on that day would have
done the same.
I think it was Lessing who once said,
"There are things which must cause you to
lose your reason or you have none to lose."
An abnormal reaction to an abnormal
situation is normal behavior. Even we
psychiatrists expect the reactions of a man to
an abnormal situation, such as being com
mitted to an asylum, to be abnormal in
proportion to the