that this magic moment was
never going to happen again. “Never again, never again,” I
thought, while I began to feel the vertigo of being on the edge of a cliff and to think how
easy it would be to drag her into the abyss with me.
I heard bits and pieces: “My God… many things in this eternity in which we are one…
horrible things… not only are we this world, but also fragile creatures of flesh and bone,
full of ugliness, and insignificance…”
The sea had begun to change into a dark monster. Soon the darkness was complete
and the sound of the waves below us acquired a somber attraction. To think that it would
be so easy! She said we were creatures full of ugliness and insignificance; but although I
knew the point to which I was capable of ignoble things, it filled me with despair to think
that she could be the same, and that she surely was. “But how?” I thought, “and with
whom, and when?” And a dark desire was growing in me to fall on her and tear her apart
with my nails, then choke her and throw her into the sea. Then I heard a few other
fragments: she talked about a cousin, Juan, or something like that; she talked about her
childhood in the country; I thought I heard something about ‘cruel and torturous things’
that had happened between her and this other cousin. It seemed to me that Maria was
making an important confession to me and that I, like a fool, had missed it.
“What cruel and torturous things!” I shouted.
But, strangely, she didn’t seem to hear me; she had also fallen into a sort of stupor, and
she also seem to be all by herself.
A long time passed, perhaps a half hour.
Then I felt that she was caressing my face like she had done on other similar occasions.
I still couldn’t speak. Like with my mother when I was a child, I put my head in her lap,
and we stayed that way for some time, silent and without contact, caused by infancy, and
by death.
What a pity that underneath it there were so many inexplicable and suspicious things!
How I wished that I was mistaken, and how I wished that Maria was nothing more than in
this moment! But that was impossible. While I heard the beats of her heart together with
my own, and while her hand caressed my hair, somber thoughts were passing through my
mind like in a swampy basement; they were waiting for the time to come out, sloshing
and grunting, sluggishly in the mud.
XXVIII
Strange things happened. When we got back to the house, we found Hunter very upset
(although he is one of those who think it is bad taste to show your feelings); he tried to
hide ir, but it was evident that something had happened. Mimi had left and in the dining
room things were prepared for dinner. It was clear that we were late, since we had hardly
arrived when the food was brought out, very rapidly and efficiently. While we were
eating almost nothing was said. I paid close attention to Hunter’s words and gestures,
because I hoped they might shed light on some of the things I was thinking, and that
some other other things might be clarified. I also watched Maria’s face carefully, but it
was impenetrable. In order to decrease the tension, Maria said that she was reading a
novel by Sartre. Obviously irritated, Hunter commented:
“Novels from that period. Let them come and go… but they’re not worth reading!
We were silent for a while, and Hunter made no effort to tone down the effect of those
words. I concluded that he must have something against Maria. But, like it was before
we went out to the coast, there was nothing that indicated what that something was.
Maria had appeared during our long conversation, and it was not hard to imagine it could
have been something said during that time, or maybe the long time we spent at the coast.
My conclusion was that it must be Hunter was jealous, and this proved that there was
something more than friendship between them, and being relatives. Of course that didn’t
mean that Maria was in love with him; on the contrary, it was more likely that Hunter
was irritated when he saw that Maria was interested in other people. Whatever it was, if
Hunter’s irritation was caused by jealousy, that would have to be why he was angry with
me, since there was nothing else between us. That’s the way it was. If there hadn’t been
other things, I would have been happy to think it was nothing more than a dirty look
Hunter gave me when Maria spoke of the time we had spent on the cliff.
Just as soon as we got up from the table, I said I was tired and went up to my room.
My intention was to go over as many reasons as possible for this problem. I went up the
stairs, I opened the door to my room, I turned on the light, I banged on the door to make
it sound like it had been closed, and I stayed in the hallway where I could listen. Right
away I heard Hunter’s voice saying something agitated, although I couldn’t distinguish
exactly what he was saying. I didn’t hear Maria say anything, and I heard Hunter say
something longer and even more agitated than before. Maria said a few words that were
superimposed over the last things he said, and then I heard the sound of chairs moving.
Right away after that I heard the steps of someone coming up the stairs, and I quickly
entered my room and closed the door so I could listen through the key hole. A few
moments later I heard footsteps pass in front of my door, and they were a woman’s steps.
I stayed awake for a long time, thinking about what had happened, and trying to hear if
anything else was happening. But I didn’t hear anything all night long.
I wasn’t able to sleep, and I began to be tormented by a number of thoughts that hadn’t
occurred to me before. I soon realized the my first conclusion was naïve; I had thought,
correctly, that it wasn’t necessary for Maria to be in love with Hunter for him to feel
jealous, and that conclusion had calmed me. Now I realized, even if it was not necessary,
neither was it impossible. Maria
could love Hunter, and he could still feel jealousy.
So, were there reasons to think that Maria felt something for her cousin? Of course
there were reasons! In the first place, if Hunter annoyed her with his jealousy and she
didn’t love him, then why did she come to the farm so often? Evidently there was no one
else beside Hunter living on the farm; I didn’t know if he was unmarried, a widower, or
divorced, but I seemed to remember that once Maria had said he and his wife were
separated. But still, the important thing was that he was living by himself on the farm. In
the second place, Maria never showed any particular interest in Hunter, and she spoke of
him like he was just another member of the family. And she also had never insinuated
that Hunter was in love with her, nor that he was also jealous. In the third place, that
afternoon Maria had spoken of her weaknesses. What did she mean by that? In my
letters to her I had mentioned several despicable things (about my drunken sprees, about
prostitutes), and she had told me that she understood, that she was also not completely
innocent. Did that mean that in her life there were things as hidden, and as despicable, as
there were in mine? Couldn’t this whole business about Hunter be some sort of weak
passion like that?