More Heroic Failures

The Most Unsuccessful Kidnap 
In August 1972 Mr Darsun Yilmaz of Damali on the 
Black Sea was in love with his neighbour’s daughter but 
she did not want to marry him. So he decided to kidnap 
her. Soon after midnight the brave Yilmaz arrived in her 
garden with a ladder. When he went into her room, he 
threw a coat over her head and carried her down to the 
car. While he did this, he spoke words of love softly into 
the end of the coat that was probably nearest her ear. 
They drove away into the night, happiness in their 
hearts and stars in the sky. But when he opened the coat 
and held out his lips for a kiss, he saw to his great 
surprise that it was the girl’s 91-year-old grandmother. 
She was glad to hit him as hard as she could. 
The Man Who Was Never Able to Ask his 
Lover to Marry Him 
 
In the late 1800s a teacher in London was in love with a 
rich young woman, Gwendolin, who lived in Sussex. 
One weekend he went to the family’s large old home 
near Lewes, to ask her to marry him. On his first night 
there, he woke up at 3a.m. wanting a glass of water. 
Trying to find the bathroom in the dark house, he 
knocked something over. Next morning he woke up to 
see that there was paint all over a beautiful old chair, a 
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favourite chair of Gwendolin’s mother. He left 
immediately without seeing the woman that he loved. 
Later, when everything was all right with Gwendolin 
again, he went back to try again. This time he decided to 
stay only half an hour in the afternoon to be sure that 
something terrible did not happen. He met Gwendolin’s 
mother and asked to see her daughter. While the mother 
was out of the room he sat down on a soft, warm chair. 
In fact, he sat on the family dog, a little Pekinese. Sadly 
the dog died. He left again without seeing Gwendolin. 
He never married her.