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parts of children..."
"So when the Taliban came..."
"They were heroes," Rahim Khan said. "Peace at last."
"Yes, hope is a strange thing. Peace at last. But at what price?" A violent
coughing fit gripped Rahim Khan and rocked his gaunt body back and forth.
When he spat into his handkerchief, it immediately stained red. I thought that
was as good a time as any to address the elephant sweating with us in the tiny
room.
"How are you?" I asked. "I mean really, how are you?"
"Dying, actually," he said in a gurgling voice. Another round of coughing.
More blood on the handkerchief. He wiped his mouth, blotted his sweaty brow
from one wasted temple to the other with his sleeve, and gave me a quick glance.


When he nodded, I knew he had read the next question on my face. "Not long," he
breathed.
"How long?"
He shrugged. Coughed again. "I don't think I'll see the end of this
summer," he said.
"Let me take you home with me. I can find you a good doctor. They're
coming up with new treatments all the time. There are new drugs and
experimental treatments, we could enroll you in one..." I was rambling and I
knew it. But it was better than crying, which I was probably going to do anyway.
He let out a chuff of laughter, revealed missing lower incisors. It was the
most tired laughter I'd ever heard. "I see America has infused you with the
optimism that has made her so great. That's very good. We're a melancholic
people, we Afghans, aren't we? Often, we wallow too much in ghamkhori and
self-­‐pity. We give in to loss, to suffering, accept it as a fact of life, even see it as
necessary. Zendagi migzara, we say, life goes on. But I am not surrendering to
fate here, I am being pragmatic. I have seen several good doctors here and they
have given the same answer. I trust them and believe them. There is such a thing
as God's will."
"There is only what you do and what you don't do," I said.
Rahim Khan laughed. "You sounded like your father just now. I miss him
so much. But it is God's will, Amir jan. It really is." He paused. "Besides, there's
another reason I asked you to come here. I wanted to see you before I go, yes, but
something else too."
"Anything."
"You know all those years I lived in your father's house after you left?"
"Yes."


"I wasn't alone for all of them. Hassan lived there with me."
"Hassan," I said. When was the last time I had spoken his name? Those
thorny old barbs of guilt bore into me once more, as if speaking his name had
broken a spell, set them free to torment me anew. Suddenly the air in Rahim
Khan's little flat was too thick, too hot, too rich with the smell of the street.
"I thought about writing you and telling you before, but I wasn't sure you
wanted to know. Was I wrong?"
The truth was no. The lie was yes. I settled for something in between. "I
don't know."
He coughed another patch of blood into the handkerchief. When he bent
his head to spit, I saw honey-­‐crusted sores on his scalp. "I brought you here
because I am going to ask something of you. I'm going to ask you to do something
for me. But before I do, I want to tell you about Hassan. Do you understand?"
"Yes," I murmured.
"I want to tell you about him. I want to tell you everything. You will
listen?"
I nodded.
Then Rahim Khan sipped some more tea. Rested his head against the wall
and spoke.
SIXTEEN


There were a lot of reasons why I went to Hazarajat to find Hassan in 1986. The
biggest one, Allah forgive me, was that I was lonely. By then, most of my friends
and relatives had either been killed or had escaped the country to Pakistan or
Iran. I barely knew anyone in Kabul anymore, the city where I had lived my
entire life. Everybody had fled. I would take a walk in the Karteh Parwan section-­‐
-­‐where the melon vendors used to hang out in the old days, you remember that
spot?-­‐-­‐and I wouldn't recognize anyone there. No one to greet, no one to sit
down with for chai, no one to share stories with, just Roussi soldiers patrolling
the streets. So eventually, I stopped going out to the city.
I would spend my days in your father's house, up in the study, reading
your mother's old books, listening to the news, watching the communist
propaganda on television. Then I would pray natnaz, cook something, eat, read
some more, pray again, and go to bed. I would rise in the morning, pray, do it all
over again.
And with my arthritis, it was getting harder for me to maintain the house.
My knees and back were always aching-­‐-­‐I would get up in the morning and it
would take me at least an hour to shake the stiffness from my joints, especially in
the wintertime. I did not want to let your father's house go to rot; we had all had
many good times in that house, so many memories, Amir jan. It was not right-­‐-­‐
your father had designed that house himself; it had meant so much to him, and
besides, I had promised him I would care for it when he and you left for Pakistan.
Now it was just me and the house and... I did my best. I tried to water the trees
every few days, cut the lawn, tend to the flowers, fix things that needed fixing,
but, even then, I was not a young man anymore.
But even so, I might have been able to manage. At least for a while longer.
But when news of your father's death reached me... for the first time, I felt a
terrible loneliness in that house. An unbearable emptiness.
So one day, I fueled up the Buick and drove up to Hazarajat. I remembered
that, after Ali dismissed himself from the house, your father told me he and
Hassan had moved to a small village just outside Bamiyan. Ali had a cousin there
as I recalled. I had no idea if Hassan would still be there, if anyone would even
know of him or his whereabouts. After all, it had been ten years since Ali and
Hassan had left your father's house. Hassan would have been a grown man in
1986, twenty-­‐two, twenty-­‐three years old. If he was even alive, that is-­‐-­‐the


Shorawi, may they rot in hell for what they did to our watan, killed so many of
our young men. I don't have to tell you that.
But, with the grace of God, I found him there. It took very little searching-­‐-­‐
all I had to do was ask a few questions in Bamiyan and people pointed me to his
village. I do not even recall its name, or whether it even had one. But I remember
it was a scorching summer day and I was driving up a rutted dirt road, nothing
on either side but sunbaked bushes, gnarled, spiny tree trunks, and dried grass
like pale straw. I passed a dead donkey rotting on the side of the road. And then I
turned a corner and, right in the middle of that barren land, I saw a cluster of
mud houses, beyond them nothing but broad sky and mountains like jagged
teeth.
The people in Bamiyan had told me I would find him easily-­‐-­‐he lived in
the only house in the village that had a walled garden. The mud wall, short and
pocked with holes, enclosed the tiny house-­‐-­‐which was really not much more
than a glorified hut. Barefoot children were playing on the street, kicking a
ragged tennis ball with a stick, and they stared when I pulled up and killed the
engine. I knocked on the wooden door and stepped through into a yard that had
very little in it save for a parched strawberry patch and a bare lemon tree. There
was a tandoor in the corner in the shadow of an acacia tree and I saw a man
squatting beside it. He was placing dough on a large wooden spatula and
slapping it against the walls of the _tandoor_. He dropped the dough when he
saw me. I had to make him stop kissing my hands.
"Let me look at you," I said. He stepped away. He was so tall now-­‐-­‐I stood
on my toes and still just came up to his chin. The Bamiyan sun had toughened his
skin, and turned it several shades darker than I remembered, and he had lost a
few of his front teeth. There were sparse strands of hair on his chin. Other than
that, he had those same narrow green eyes, that scar on his upper lip, that round
face, that affable smile. You would have recognized him, Amir jan. I am sure of it.
We went inside. There was a young light-­‐skinned Hazara woman, sewing
a shawl in a corner of the room. She was visibly expecting. "This is my wife,
Rahim Khan," Hassan said proudly. "Her name is Farzana jan." She was a shy
woman, so courteous she spoke in a voice barely higher than a whisper and she
would not raise her pretty hazel eyes to meet my gaze. But the way she was
looking at Hassan, he might as well have been sitting on the throne at the _Arg_.
"When is the baby coming?" I said after we all settled around the adobe
room. There was nothing in the room, just a frayed rug, a few dishes, a pair of
mattresses, and a lantern.


"_Inshallah_, this winter," Hassan said. "I am praying for a boy to carry on
my father's name."
"Speaking of Ali, where is he?"
Hassan dropped his gaze. He told me that Ali and his cousin-­‐-­‐who had
owned the house-­‐-­‐had been killed by a land mine two years before, just outside
of Bamiyan. A land mine. Is there a more Afghan way of dying, Amir jan? And for
some crazy reason, I became absolutely certain that it had been Ali's right leg-­‐-­‐
his twisted polio leg-­‐-­‐that had finally betrayed him and stepped on that land
mine. I was deeply saddened to hear Ali had died. Your father and I grew up
together, as you know, and Ali had been with him as long as I could remember. I
remember when we were all little, the year Ali got polio and almost died. Your
father would walk around the house all day crying.
Farzana made us shorwa with beans, turnips, and potatoes. We washed
our hands and dipped fresh _naan_ from the tandoor into the shorwa-­‐-­‐it was the
best meal I had had in months. It was then that I asked Hassan to move to Kabul
with me. I told him about the house, how I could not care for it by myself
anymore. I told him I would pay him well, that he and his _khanum_ would be
comfortable. They looked to each other and did not say anything. Later, after we
had washed our hands and Farzana had served us grapes, Hassan said the village
was his home now; he and Farzana had made a life for themselves there.
"And Bamiyan is so close. We know people there. Forgive me, Rahim
Khan. I pray you understand."
"Of course," I said. "You have nothing to apologize for. I understand."
It was midway through tea after shorwa that Hassan asked about you. I
told him you were in America, but that I did not know much more. Hassan had so
many questions about you. Had you married? Did you have children? How tall
were you? Did you still fly kites and go to the cinema? Were you happy? He said
he had befriended an old Farsi teacher in Bamiyan who had taught him to read
and write. If he wrote you a letter, would I pass it on to you? And did I think you
would write back? I told him what I knew of you from the few phone
conversations I had had with your father, but mostly I did not know how to
answer him. Then he asked me about your father. When I told him, Hassan


buried his face in his hands and broke into tears. He wept like a child for the rest
of that night.
They insisted that I spend the night there. Farzana fixed a cot for me and
left me a glass of well water in case I got thirsty. All night, I heard her whispering
to Hassan, and heard him sobbing.
In the morning, Hassan told me he and Farzana had decided to move to
Kabul with me.
"I should not have come here," I said. "You were right, Hassan jan. You
have a zendagi, a life here. It was presumptuous of me to just show up and ask
you to drop everything. It is me who needs to be forgiven."
"We don't have that much to drop, Rahim Khan," Hassan said. His eyes
were still red and puffy. "We'll go with you. We'll help you take care of the
house."
"Are you absolutely sure?"
He nodded and dropped his head. "Agha sahib was like my second father...
God give him peace."
They piled their things in the center of a few worn rags and tied the
corners together. We loaded the bundle into the Buick. Hassan stood in the
threshold of the house and held the Koran as we all kissed it and passed under it.
Then we left for Kabul. I remember as I was pulling away, Hassan turned to take
a last look at their home.
When we got to Kabul, I discovered that Hassan had no intention of
moving into the house. "But all these rooms are empty, Hassan jan. No one is
going to live in them," I said.
But he would not. He said it was a matter of ihtiram, a matter of respect.
He and Farzana moved their things into the hut in the backyard, where he was
born. I pleaded for them to move into one of the guest bedrooms upstairs, but


Hassan would hear nothing of it. "What will Amir agha think?" he said to me.
"What will he think when he comes back to Kabul after the war and finds that I
have assumed his place in the house?" Then, in mourning for your father, Hassan
wore black for the next forty days.
I did not want them to, but the two of them did all the cooking, all the
cleaning. Hassan tended to the flowers in the garden, soaked the roots, picked off
yellowing leaves, and planted rosebushes. He painted the walls. In the house, he
swept rooms no one had slept in for years, and cleaned bathrooms no one had
bathed in. Like he was preparing the house for someone's return. Do you
remember the wall behind the row of corn your father had planted, Amir jan?
What did you and Hassan call it, "the Wall of Ailing Corn"? A rocket destroyed a
whole section of that wall in the middle of the night early that fall. Hassan rebuilt
the wall with his own hands, brick by brick, until it stood' whole again. I do not
know what I would have done if he had not been there. Then late that fall,
Farzana gave birth to a stillborn baby girl. Hassan kissed the baby's lifeless face,
and we buried her in the backyard, near the sweetbrier bushes. We covered the
little mound with leaves from the poplar trees. I said a prayer for her. Farzana
stayed in the hut all day and wailed-­‐-­‐it is a heartbreaking sound, Amir jan, the
wailing of a mother. I pray to Allah you never hear it.
Outside the walls of that house, there was a war raging. But the three of
us, in your father's house, we made our own little haven from it. My vision
started going by the late 1980s, so I had Hassan read me your mother's books.
We would sit in the foyer, by the stove, and Hassan would read me from
_Masnawi_ or _Khayyam_, as Farzana cooked in the kitchen. And every morning,
Hassan placed a flower on the little mound by the sweetbrier bushes.
In early 1990, Farzana became pregnant again. It was that same year, in
the middle of the summer, that a woman covered in a sky blue burqa knocked on
the front gates one morning. When I walked up to the gates, she was swaying on
her feet, like she was too weak to even stand. I asked her what she wanted, but
she would not answer.
"Who are you?" I said. But she just collapsed right there in the driveway. I
yelled for Hassan and he helped me carry her into the house, to the living room.
We lay her on the sofa and took off her burqa. Beneath it, we found a toothless
woman with stringy graying hair and sores on her arms. She looked like she had
not eaten for days. But the worst of it by far was her face. Someone had taken a
knife to it and... Amir jan, the slashes cut this way and that way. One of the cuts
went from cheekbone to hairline and it had not spared her left eye on the way. It
was grotesque. I patted her brow with a wet cloth and she opened her eyes.
"Where is Hassan?" she whispered.


"I'm right here," Hassan said. He took her hand and squeezed it.
Her good eye rolled to him. "I have walked long and far to see if you are as
beautiful in the flesh as you are in my dreams. And you are. Even more." She
pulled his hand to her scarred face. "Smile for me. Please."
Hassan did and the old woman wept. "You smiled coming out of me, did
anyone ever tell you? And I wouldn't even hold you. Allah forgive me, I wouldn't
even hold you."
None of us had seen Sanaubar since she had eloped with a band of singers
and dancers in 1964, just after she had given birth to Hassan. You never saw her,
Amir, but in her youth, she was a vision. She had a dimpled smile and a walk that
drove men crazy. No one who passed her on the street, be it a man or a woman,
could look at her only once. And now...
Hassan dropped her hand and bolted out of the house. I went after him,
but he was too fast. I saw him running up the hill where you two used to play, his
feet kicking up plumes of dust. I let him go. I sat with Sanaubar all day as the sky
went from bright blue to purple. Hassan still had not come back when night fell
and moonlight bathed the clouds. Sanaubar cried that coming back had been a
mistake, maybe even a worse one than leaving. But I made her stay. Hassan
would return, I knew.
He came back the next morning, looking tired and weary, like he had not
slept all night. He took Sanaubar's hand in both of his and told her she could cry
if she wanted to but she needn't, she was home now, he said, home with her
family. He touched the scars on her face, and ran his hand through her hair.
Hassan and Farzana nursed her back to health. They fed her and washed
her clothes. I gave her one of the guest rooms upstairs. Sometimes, I would look
out the window into the yard and watch Hassan and his mother kneeling
together, picking tomatoes or trimming a rosebush, talking. They were catching
up on all the lost years, I suppose. As far as I know, he never asked where she
had been or why she had left and she never told. I guess some stories do not
need telling.


It was Sanaubar who delivered Hassan's son that winter of 1990. It had
not started snowing yet, but the winter winds were blowing through the yards,
bending the flowerbeds and rustling the leaves. I remember Sanaubar came out
of the hut holding her grandson, had him wrapped in a wool blanket. She stood
beaming under a dull gray sky tears streaming down her cheeks, the needle-­‐cold
wind blowing her hair, and clutching that baby in her arms like she never wanted
to let go. Not this time. She handed him to Hassan and he handed him to me and I
sang the prayer of Ayat-­‐ul-­‐kursi in that little boy's ear.
They named him Sohrab, after Hassan's favorite hero from the
_Shahnamah_, as you know, Amir jan. He was a beautiful little boy, sweet as
sugar, and had the same temperament as his father. You should have seen
Sanaubar with that baby, Amir jan. He became the center of her existence. She
sewed clothes for him, built him toys from scraps of wood, rags, and dried grass.
When he caught a fever, she stayed up all night, and fasted for three days. She
burned isfand for him on a skillet to cast out nazar, the evil eye. By the time
Sohrab was two, he was calling her Sasa. The two of them were inseparable.
She lived to see him turn four, and then, one morning, she just did not
wake up. She looked calm, at peace, like she did not mind dying now. We buried
her in the cemetery on the hill, the one by the pomegranate tree, and I said a
prayer for her too. The loss was hard on Hassan-­‐-­‐it always hurts more to have
and lose than to not have in the first place. But it was even harder on little
Sohrab. He kept walking around the house, looking for Sasa, but you know how
children are, they forget so quickly.
By then-­‐-­‐that would have been 1995-­‐-­‐the Shorawi were defeated and long
gone and Kabul belonged to Massoud, Rabbani, and the Mujahedin. The
infighting between the factions was fierce and no one knew if they would live to
see the end of the day. Our ears became accustomed to the whistle of falling
shells, to the rumble of gunfire, our eyes familiar with the sight of men digging
bodies out of piles of rubble. Kabul in those days, Amir jan, was as close as you
could get to that proverbial hell on earth. Allah was kind to us, though. The Wazir
Akbar Khan area was not attacked as much, so we did not have it as bad as some
of the other neighborhoods.
On those days when the rocket fire eased up a bit and the gunfighting was
light, Hassan would take Sohrab to the zoo to see Marjan the lion, or to the
cinema. Hassan taught him how to shoot the slingshot, and, later, by the time he
was eight, Sohrab had become deadly with that thing: He could stand on the
terrace and hit a pinecone propped on a pail halfway across the yard. Hassan
taught him to read and write-­‐-­‐his son was not going to grow up illiterate like he
had. I grew very attached to that little boy-­‐-­‐I had seen him take his first step,


heard him utter his first word. I bought children's books for Sohrab from the
bookstore by Cinema Park-­‐-­‐they have destroyed that too now-­‐-­‐and Sohrab read
them as quickly as I could get them to him. He reminded me of you, how you
loved to read when you were little, Amir jan. Sometimes, I read to him at night,
played riddles with him, taught him card tricks. I miss him terribly.
In the wintertime, Hassan took his son kite running. There were not
nearly as many kite tournaments as in the old days-­‐-­‐no one felt safe outside for
too long-­‐-­‐but there were still a few scattered tournaments. Hassan would prop
Sohrab on his shoulders and they would go trotting through the streets, running
kites, climbing trees where kites had dropped. You remember, Amir jan, what a
good kite runner Hassan was? He was still just as good. At the end of winter,
Hassan and Sohrab would hang the kites they had run all winter on the walls of
the main hallway. They would put them up like paintings.
I told you how we all celebrated in 1996 when the Taliban rolled in and
put an end to the daily fighting. I remember coming home that night and finding
Hassan in the kitchen, listening to the radio. He had a sober look in his eyes. I
asked him what was wrong, and he just shook his head. "God help the Hazaras
now, Rahim Khan sahib," he said.
"The war is over, Hassan," I said. "There's going to be peace, _Inshallah_,
and happiness and calm. No more rockets, no more killing, no more funerals!"
But he just turned off the radio and asked if he could get me anything before he
went to bed.
A few weeks later, the Taliban banned kite fighting. And two years later,
in 1998, they massacred the Hazaras in Mazar-­‐i-­‐Sharif.
SEVENTEEN


Rahim Khan slowly uncrossed his legs and leaned against the bare wall in the
wary, deliberate way of a man whose every movement triggers spikes of pain.
Outside, a donkey was braying and some one was shouting something in Urdu.
The sun was beginning to set, glittering red through the cracks between the
ramshackle buildings.
It hit me again, the enormity of what I had done that winter and that
following summer. The names rang in my head: Hassan, Sohrab, Ali, Farzana, and
Sanaubar. Hearing Rahim Khan speak Ali's name was like finding an old dusty
music box that hadn't been opened in years; the melody began to play
immediately: Who did you eat today, Babalu? Who did you eat, you slant-­‐eyed
Babalu? I tried to conjure Ali's frozen face, to really see his tranquil eyes, but
time can be a greedy thing-­‐-­‐sometimes it steals all the details for itself.
"Is Hassan still in that house now?" I asked.
Rahim Khan raised the teacup to his parched lips and took a sip. He then
fished an envelope from the breast pocket of his vest and handed it to me. "For
you."
I tore the sealed envelope. Inside, I found a Polaroid photograph and a
folded letter. I stared at the photograph for a full minute.
A tall man dressed in a white turban and a green-­‐striped chapan stood
with a little boy in front of a set of wrought-­‐iron gates. Sunlight slanted in from
the left, casting a shadow on half of his rotund face. He was squinting and smiling
at the camera, showing a pair of missing front teeth. Even in this blurry Polaroid,
the man in the chapan exuded a sense of self-­‐assuredness, of ease. It was in the
way he stood, his feet slightly apart, his arms comfortably crossed on his chest,
his head titled a little toward the sun. Mostly, it was in the way he smiled.
Looking at the photo, one might have concluded that this was a man who thought
the world had been good to him. Rahim Khan was right: I would have recognized
him if I had bumped into him on the street. The little boy stood bare foot, one
arm wrapped around the man's thigh, his shaved head resting against his
father's hip. He too was grinning and squinting.
I unfolded the letter. It was written in Farsi. No dots were omitted, no
crosses forgotten, no words blurred together-­‐-­‐the handwriting was almost
childlike in its neatness. I began to read: In the name of Allah the most
beneficent, the most merciful, Amir agha, with my deepest respects, Farzana jan,
Sohrab, and I pray that this latest letter finds you in good health and in the light


of Allah's good graces. Please offer my warmest thanks to Rahim Khan sahib for
carrying it to you. I am hopeful that one day I will hold one of your letters in my
hands and read of your life in America. Perhaps a photograph of you will even
grace our eyes. I have told much about you to Farzana jan and Sohrab, about us
growing up together and playing games and running in the streets. They laugh at
the stories of all the mischief you and I used to cause!
Amir agha, Alas the Afghanistan of our youth is long dead. Kindness is
gone from the land and you cannot escape the killings. Always the killings. In
Kabul, fear is everywhere, in the streets, in the stadium, in the markets, it is a
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