English Fairy Tales

MR. VINEGAR
M
R
. 
AND
M
RS
. V
INEGAR
lived in a vinegar bottle. Now, one
day, when Mr. Vinegar was from home, Mrs. Vinegar, who
was a very good housewife, was busily sweeping her house,
when an unlucky thump of the broom brought the whole
house clitter-clatter, clitter-clatter, about her ears. In an agony
of grief she rushed forth to meet her husband.
On seeing him she exclaimed, “Oh, Mr. Vinegar, Mr. Vin-
egar, we are ruined, I have knocked the house down, and it
is all to pieces!” Mr. Vinegar then said: “My dear, let us see
what can be done. Here is the door; I will take it on my
back, and we will go forth to seek our fortune.”
They walked all that day, and at nightfall entered a thick
forest. They were both very, very tired, and Mr. Vinegar
said: “My love, I will climb up into a tree, drag up the door,
and you shall follow.” He accordingly did so, and they both
stretched their weary limbs on the door, and fell fast asleep.
In the middle of the night Mr. Vinegar was disturbed by the
sound of voices underneath, and to his horror and dismay
found that it was a band of thieves met to divide their booty.

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English Fairy Tales
“Here, Jack,” said one, “here’s five pounds for you; here,
Bill, here’s ten pounds for you; here, Bob, here’s three pounds
for you.”
Mr. Vinegar could listen no longer; his terror was so great
that he trembled and trembled, and shook down the door
on their heads. Away scampered the thieves, but Mr. Vin-
egar dared not quit his retreat till broad daylight.
He then scrambled out of the tree, and went to lift up the
door. What did he see but a number of golden guineas.
“Come down, Mrs. Vinegar,” he cried; “come down, I say;
our fortune’s made, our fortune’s made! Come down, I say.”
Mrs. Vinegar got down as fast as she could, and when she
saw the money she jumped for joy. “Now, my dear,” said she,
“I’ll tell you what you shall do. There is a fair at the
neighbouring town; you shall take these forty guineas and
buy a cow. I can make butter and cheese, which you shall sell
at market, and we shall then be able to live very comfortably.”
Mr. Vinegar joyfully agrees, takes the money, and off he
goes to the fair. When he arrived, he walked up and down,
and at length saw a beautiful red cow. It was an excellent milker,
and perfect in every way. “Oh,” thought Mr. Vinegar, “if I
had but that cow, I should be the happiest, man alive.”
So he offers the forty guineas for the cow, and the owner
said that, as he was a friend, he’d oblige him. So the bargain
was made, and he got the cow and he drove it backwards
and forwards to show it.
By-and-by he saw a man playing the bagpipes—Tweedle-
dum tweedle-dee. The children followed him about, and he
appeared to be pocketing money on all sides. “Well,” thought
Mr. Vinegar, “if I had but that beautiful instrument I should
be the happiest man alive—my fortune would be made.”
So he went up to the man. “Friend,” says he, “what a beau-
tiful instrument that is, and what a deal of money you must
make.” “Why, yes,” said the man, “I make a great deal of
money, to be sure, and it is a wonderful instrument.” “Oh!”
cried Mr. Vinegar, “how I should like to possess it!” “Well,”
said the man, “as you are a friend, I don’t much mind part-
ing with it; you shall have it for that red cow.” “Done!” said
the delighted Mr. Vinegar. So the beautiful red cow was given
for the bagpipes.
He walked up and down with his purchase; but it was in
vain he tried to play a tune, and instead of pocketing pence,

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25
Joseph Jacobs
the boys followed him hooting, laughing, and pelting.
Poor Mr. Vinegar, his fingers grew very cold, and, just as
he was leaving the town, he met a man with a fine thick pair
of gloves. “Oh, my fingers are so very cold,” said Mr. Vin-
egar to himself. “Now if I had but those beautiful gloves I
should be the happiest man alive.” He went up to the man,
and said to him, “Friend, you seem to have a capital pair of
gloves there.” “Yes, truly,” cried the man; “and my hands are
as warm as possible this cold November day.” “Well,” said
Mr. Vinegar, “I should like to have them.”. “What will you
give?” said the man; “as you are a friend, I don’t much mind
letting you have them for those bagpipes.” “Done!” cried
Mr. Vinegar. He put on the gloves, and felt perfectly happy
as he trudged homewards.
At last he grew very tired, when he saw a man coming
towards him with a good stout stick in his hand.
“Oh,” said Mr. Vinegar, “that I had but that stick! I should
then be the happiest man alive.” He said to the man: “Friend!
what a rare good stick you have got.” “Yes,” said the man; “I
have used it for many a long mile, and a good friend it has
been; but if you have a fancy for it, as you are a friend, I
don’t mind giving it to you for that pair of gloves.” Mr.
Vinegar’s hands were so warm, and his legs so tired, that he
gladly made the exchange.
As he drew near to the wood where he had left his wife, he
heard a parrot on a tree calling out his name: “Mr. Vinegar,
you foolish man, you blockhead, you simpleton; you went
to the fair, and laid out all your money in buying a cow. Not
content with that, you changed it for bagpipes, on which
you could not play, and which were not worth one-tenth of
the money. You fool, you—you had no sooner got the bag-
pipes than you changed them for the gloves, which were not
worth one-quarter of the money; and when you had got the
gloves, you changed them for a poor miserable stick; and
now for your forty guineas, cow, bagpipes, and gloves, you
have nothing to show but that poor miserable stick, which
you might have cut in any hedge.” On this the bird laughed
and laughed, and Mr. Vinegar, falling into a violent rage,
threw the stick at its head. The stick lodged in the tree, and
he returned to his wife without money, cow, bagpipes, gloves,
or stick, and she instantly gave him such a sound cudgelling
that she almost broke every bone in his skin.

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English Fairy Tales