40
SCENE FOURTEEN. BRIAN'S LIVING ROOM.
BRIAN
takes off his grey raincoat. He wears a dinner jacket.
BRIAN
(
To audience) I
got back from my duties, playing my
bassoon for the Carlisle Amateur Symphony Orchestra.
We were accompanying the local amateurs in "Pirates
of Penzance," while Mother and Ruth were mesmerized
by television.
(To "M"
) Did
you watch anything?
"M"
No.
TV's so puerile. It just highlights the despicable
characteristics of humans. And it's always about
ordinary people. Ugh.
BRIAN
Yes. Ordinary people are of no interest to
me
whatsoever.
Mother!
NINA
(Waking up). Oh, you're back. How did it go, dear?
BRIAN
My bassoon playing was pretty
good but it was one of
those hoodoo performances…
(He laughs).
RUTH
Oh no.
(Gleefully anticipating one of Brian's funny
disaster stories) What on
earth happened?
BRIAN
It began well enough.
(To Nina) Every now and then there's a
"hoodoo night" when everything seems to go wrong. Well this
evening a chum of mine, the second clarinettist, Alistair Goldie,
came up to a rather energetic section…
(Brian chuckles
helplessly) His huge black bow tie which is automated and clips
to the wings of his collar…Well it's rather weak with age! And
during one of these typical Sullivan two-two's
in fast sixth
eighths time when we in "The Wind" are producing bar after bar
of staccato quavers…
(He chuckles again) His Adam's apple
worked so violently…
41
RUTH
shrieks and is nearly on the floor. NINA
starts to laugh and choke
at the same time.
BRIAN
…the spring snapped and the bow tie took off … like a
malevolent black butterfly it flew right over the startled
heads of the second violinists… causing them to
take
swipes at it with their instruments!
They finish laughing.
NINA
You can be such fun Brian. I don't know why you don't
get a job on television as a comedian, you'd be much
better than the ones they have on.
You could earn
some money for a change.
BRIAN
Thank you mother. I'll drop the BBC a line in the
morning.
NINA
Our family had such fun in the old days, Ruth, before
Puggy and Jack disappeared. As an outsider you can't
imagine how close knit we were. I was thinking and
laughing this morning over that ludicrous incident in
Stoke Canon and the piano chords. Do you remember,
Brian?
BRIAN
It was on a bleak winter's night wasn't it?
NINA
Brian was still a schoolboy. We were all in the dining
room, round the pressure
lamp which was our only
illumination, when we heard … several chords struck on
the piano in the drawing room.
RUTH
Oh, my God.
NINA
Well, we all looked at each other with a wild surmise.
42
BRIAN
Daddy formed an investigatory procession…
NINA
Oh, yes!
BRIAN
…With himself in the lead, distinctly nervous.
NINA
Jack behind him . Then Brian, second. Then me with
little Joan
clinging to me in terror. We all crept down
the dark corridor…Your father in the lead with a
candle…
BRIAN
…in
great trepidation…
NINA
Nothing could we see or hear of course.
RUTH
Gosh. I don't find that funny. It's sounds terrifying.
"M"
(Casually) The funny part of it was that I had struck
those chords on the piano
and then crept into the room
at the end of the crocodile.
BRIAN
sighs and tut-tuts. "M"
leaves with a mischievous look.
RUTH
Would you like a cup of Horlicks, Nina?
NINA
Nina? You're supposed to call me Rulor. You always
used to call me Rulor.
RUTH
I don't remember…
NINA
Why don't you any more?
43
BRIAN
Oh, that ridiculous astrological name. Really, Mother!
NINA
My friends still call me Rulor!
BRIAN
(To RUTH) I should explain, darling, that when the
three were on their way to Amazonia, aboard the liner
to Rio, they shared a dinner table with an American
poseur called Zarh Pritchard. He explained that
vibrations of names had a lifelong effect. And he
convinced Daddy that the names "Percy
Harrison
Fawcett" had been a serious obstacle to him all his life.
Well Daddy, who hated his names, immediately agreed
and fell for it all hook line and sinker. After
calculations, this parlour occultist worked out that if
Daddy changed his name to "Zahaz" his future success
was assured. Jack was also asking for trouble if he
persisted keeping his present name and only by
replacing it with "Sajas" would he have an easy path.
As for Raleigh Rimell…Well
he could really expect the
worst with a name like that. But change it to "Roxor"
and all would be well. The three credulous explorers
seriously adopted these new names. It was a foolish
mistake. For a long tiring walk in rough country, one
sensibly wears shoes that have shaped themselves
comfortably to the feet -
not new ones. I and Joan
were posted new names which we rejected absolutely
…but mother of course…
NINA
What a shame you didn't
have more respect for your
father. Or your elder brother for that matter. You could
have
gone on that final expedition. They would have
taken you, had you shown an iota of interest. You were
obsessed with steam trains
. It's astonishing how little
intellect or creative ability you've acquired despite all
the schooling we've given you.
RUTH
I'll just see to the washing up.